Monday, February 1, 2010

ATWOOOD XL - April 30-May 2

DATE: April 30-May 2, 2010
LOCATION: Atwood Lake Resort & Conference Center
DEFENDING CHAMPIONS: Aggers, Smith, N.C. Calley, Rosenfield

Dear Duffers;

How Great is This!!!! The 5th Major celebrates it’s 40 years of excellence and the Lodge is for sale and may close. Who would have guessed that some of us would actually outlive the site, and pay less alimony than Tiger??????

ATWOOD LIVES ON! AND IT LOOKS BIGGER AND BETTER!

First, let’s deal with the basics:

RULES OF THE ROAD:

(1) Tuition changes: $75 covers food and beer/pop and a share of the cost of the entertainment at the Cabin. The reason for the increase, the first actual increase in 30 years, is Golf Shirts celebrating the 40th. are included. Shirts at Atwood were an early tradition and for those of you who still have yours, please bring them to this years tournament. It doesn’t matter where or with whom you sleep or even if you sleep----it’s $75. Rooms and Cabins have been reserved-call 800-362-6406. You must mention that you are with the Ference Golf Croup and be prepared to name roommates. Obviously, rooms and cabins are at your expense. Cabin Dwellers might want to consider having more than 4 in your Cabins as space may be limited at the Lodge.

(2) The Tournament will commence Friday morning (shotgun start at 11:00am) and continue through Saturday. The Cabin has been reserved through Sunday morning. Get there early if you want to practice BEFORE the Tournament begins.

(3) For those of us who actually stay for the ENTIRE festival, PLEASE lend a hand in cleaning up the Cabin and grounds. That’s done early Sunday morning (8:00-9:00am) not 11:00am. Those of you who leave early can help by picking up the Cabin on Saturday and by not being complete assholes on Friday night. REMEMBER, YOUR MOM ISN’T COMING-------HELP OUT!

(4) Send entry (money) to: The Committee, c/o John Ference, P.O. Box 41296, Brecksville, Ohio 44141. For the record, checks made out to “The Committee” are hard to explain-------John Ference works/

(5) ONCE AGAIN, BECAUSE OF NUMBERS, ALL MONEY MUST BE RECEIVED BY APRIL 1, 2010. THE FIRST 56 IN, GET TO PARTICIPATE, IF YOU’RE LATE YOU’RE AT THE MERCY OF THE NUMBERS/

(6) And as always, if you have any questions, comments or suggestions------------Don’t bother to mention them or better yet, DON’T COME.

Since this is Atwood XL, the Committee has reflected back over 40 years and has come up with some interesting lists. By the way, there has been a committee member present at 38 of the 40 tournaments so many of the people mentioned are no longer attendees but merit mention. Please feel free to add/subtract names to these lists and make up your own categories. The Website can be used for this and some of the more interesting changes/comments will be rewarded on Friday Night.

Top Rookie Performances:

1. Rudy - For eating his glass after his rookie shot (more to this story).
2. Hector Papushak-Winner of the Killer Bean Eating Contest and then eating Horshack’s Barf, Ference’s pocket , a plastic fork and then Hanging Naked from the log chandelier above the Cabin table.
3. Pickled Herring - Came the closest to becoming the first and only Atwood fatality. Was driven to Hospital where he blew a 3.6 and had no brain stem activity. Still blew a 2.2 the next morning and his family refused to drive down and pick him up. He was not invited back!
4. Wags-Swingline - Set a record of stapling himself numerous times-One of the few records never attempted to be broken by future attendees????
5. Dream Weaver - His Mangina impression of Hillary Clinton still disturbs most of the people who viewed it.

Lowest Moments in Atwood Golf History:
1. Blood - Hitting 13 and still on the tee on Cardiac. (#14)
2. Terifay - A score of 22 on the Airplane Strip (#3) What made it worse was his partner claimed he cheated and didn’t count all his strokes.
3. Team Ference - One year, every Ference (4 that year) whiffed on the first tee, including 3 in a row. (No one could be prouder)
4. Team Kubinski - Lowest point total by a team for four rounds. (13 ½)
5. Snack Boy and Dream -The first and only Double D whiff-----understandable except it took place in the Championship Match and had to make the list.

You will see more of these lists in future communiqués but feel free to opine. As you might guess, with all the “noise” about the Atwood Lodge and our 40th - this year could be Xtra-Lascivious (that’s a 7th yr senior word Dream).

Insincerely,
X
The Committee

P.S. This letter and all other information will be posted on the website: http://atwoodopen.blogspot.com/ No www.

Everyone needs to subscribe to receive updates and to correspond with other duffers.

131 comments:

Still not Smitty said...

more low light nominations

How about Carte starting a fight in the bar with some 75 yer old viagra laced guy over his skanky 40 something goldigging girfriend. NICE.

Anonymous said...

Is that a misprint regarding the Defending champions? Aggers?????
I thought Garyn won----------oh yeah, he was the A that didn't win a match or 1/2 the Sheets family that didn't win a match.

Not from Rocky River

Anonymous said...

What's the record for one family having the most D's ? Why don't we just invite 1 Ference as they are all the same. or put them all on one team--That way, they only screw up one team/ This team would have One A, one B, one C and 5 D's.

Not the Gen Xers

Anonymous said...

I would like to start another Atwood Open Memory Category: Atwood's Greatest Hits - starting with the Atwood Open classic -
Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me by Zorn Mylickadick.

Not the Woman in the Red Dress

Anonymous said...

How about Au Vay Maria You Whore by the Dead Pope Society

Not Pope Poon

Anonymous said...

Hey get off of Team Polska. We would have scored alot more if the Committee wouldn't have stuck us with a retard person (I mean retired person) as our C.

Boratski

Anonymous said...

With all the Polaks at this event, why doesn't someone bring an accordion?

Not Boratski

Maybe I am, maybe I'm Not Smitty said...

Will we bring back racoon fishing, wood chuck tossing and flaming golf ball shots?
Pease and his friend The Captain are also looking for The Devil with the Red Dress on. "Oh, it was much more than dancing......."

Anonymous said...

That's it - who needs the Atwood Lodge for our Saturday night entertainment when we could have John Ference playing "Pants on the Ground" on his accordion.

Not the Polish Prince

Anonymous said...

Talking about Flaming meat shots. Rumor has it that the song Pants on the Ground was inspired by Big Baby Custenborder's Exhibition.

Not Retardski

Anonymous said...

Why buy shirts? Why not buy the Ferences a new golf swing? Or the Sheets' a former golf swing? Or the "K's"(Kubi.Kibler,Kenik) any golf swing? Or better yet- Carte Blanche a babysitter?
Not Horshak's Dog

Anonymous said...

The Atwood Midnight Grabber has some questions for Atwood XL.
(1) Will any Sheets win a match?
(2) Will the Defending Champs repeat, or just bore us to death with their slow play?
(3) What's the over/under on how many Fergusons, Ferences & Kubinskis will show?
(4) Will the Lodge remain standing?

Not the original Midnight Grabber

Anonymous said...

While watching the WHO perform during half time of the Super Bowl I thought of the Committee - Old Guys who still think they can play.
On second thought I was thinking of Sheets.

Maybe GenX, Maybe Not

Anonymous said...

Talking about the Super Bowl, where was the XL Atwood Open Commercial? I started to get excited when I saw the violin playing woodchuck. I thought for sure Ted Sheets was going to jump out from behind a tree and blow his f'n head off.

The Commissioner of the Atwood Woodchuck Chucking Contest

Anonymous said...

Why spend money on shirts. Use it to get the Ferences a NEW golf swing, or for the Sheets to find a FORMER swing , or the "K's" (Kibler,Kenik,Kubi) to get ANY swing. Nah... just use to hire a babysitter for Carte Blanche.

Horshak's Dog

Anonymous said...

The Midnight Grabber wants to know:

(1) Will Sheets, any Sheets win another match at Atwood?
(2) Will the Defending Champs repeat or just continue to bore us to death with their slow play.
(3) Is Kubi really Keith Richards?
(4) Is Sharbaugh getting shorter or just rounder?
(5) Is Ference the "Father of Atwood" ? Literally?
(6) Is "The Committee" really playing at next years Super Bowl?

Not the original Midnight Grabber:

Anonymous said...

Horshak's Dog! And you guys thought you ate Mountain Lion.

Chief Bear Dick

Anonymous said...

WHO ARE YOU WHO WHO!
See how many real names you can put with their Atwood Nick Name:
Log Head? (One of Many)
The Ace of Diamonds?
The Cheater?
Kid Dick?
Big Baby?
King Dick?
Rick Flair?
Jew F'K?
Pope Poon?
Snack Boy?
Choo?
Dream?
Yo Yo Mon?
Branche?
Dick F'K?
Susan Luchi? (The Real One)
Condo Man?
Coach Bruce?
Big White?
Puss Puss?
Shit Head? (Thats to easy - Sheets)
Banana Man?
Doc? (Of Useless Knowledge)
The Grim Reaper?
Peanut?
Dish?
Mario?

Definitely Not the X Generation

Anonymous said...

Nicknames can sometimes hurt.But never hurt as much as going to Atwood and NOT getting a nickname. You all know who you are.

Horshak's Dog

Anonymous said...

79 Days until Atwood XL-What's the chances of:

(1) Purdy wearing the same "mustard" pants as last year?
(2) Pease showing up without the Captain?
(3) Custenborder wearing any pants?
(4) Ferguson showing up with his family and friends--commonly referred to as the bunch raised by wolves?
(5) Waitkus bringing his own hot dogs?
(6) The "Browns Bus" driving down?

The Midnight Grabber

Anonymous said...

Dear Definitely Not the X Generation,
How could you forget?
Super Dave?
NC the Duffer formerly known as DC?
Stealth formerly known as Ox?

The Atwood Historian

Anonymous said...

Could the Midnight Grabber be the rotund duffer who stalks the Atwood Lodge hallways in his tighty whities? Hey, those aren't mustard stains.

Maybe Kubi, maybe not

Anonymous said...

For the record: The Midnight Grabber is not rotund------he's big boned. He's not the guy that walked the halls in his tighty whities--they used to be boxers and I'm going with Maybe not Kubi as they're are too many correctly spelled words for it to be Kubi.

Not the Midnight Grabber

Anonymous said...

My bet is the Midnight Grabber is a deranged duffer who enjoys tea bagging passed out Billies.

Not David Allen Cole

Anonymous said...

The Midnight Grabber has to be the sick individual (wearing a hooded sweater shirt backward) stalking the halls just waiting for some unsuspecting sole opening his door.
Spooning straightens his putter.

Not Kid Viagra

Anonymous said...

No you guys are away off! He doesn’t wear tighty whities or a hooded sweat shirt. I’m pretty sure I saw the Midnight Grabber showering in the urinal. Clothes are not his thing.

Susie the Bartender

Anonymous said...

To the Kibler Youth,
The Committee would like to know the name of the shirt manufacturer that make Extra Medium Shirts?

X

Anonymous said...

The Midnight Grabber wonders????

Who are these young Atwood duffers?
They all look the same (short, not too good looking) and seem to be from RRiver. BEWARE--------THE MIDNIGHT GRABBER IS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR 'NEW MEAT'

The Midnight Grabber

Anonymous said...

The Committee would like to give a shout out to one of our own. In today’s Cleveland Plain Dealer – Berea’s Boys Basketball Coach Darren Collins gave the Atwood Open a plug. After Five Games. Five Victories. All while scoring on their last possession of the game. Collins was quoted – “It is unbelievable. Bizarre might be a better word. I’ve never been a part of anything like this. Every crucial putt I’ve attempted at the Atwood Open I’ve choked.”

Committee Love
X (And that ain’t no kiss)

Anonymous said...

Dear Midnight Grabber,
Do you think the Kibler Youth are afraid of the Midnight Grabber? Hell, he's in bed grabbing himself before we even start taking off our clothes at the bar!

Maybe the Kibler Youth, maybe not

Anonymous said...

Why do a number of repeat attendees not have nicknames? Is it lack of golfing skills, lack of personalities, lack of friends, lack of connection with The Committee lack of a fraternity history, or simp no one ever notices them. It must be very painful.
Horshak's Dog

Anonymous said...

Didn't the Midnight Grabber get his ass kicked by Susie the Bartender for taking a shower naked in the urinal? My mistake that was Hillary's Double.

Maybe the D you C

Anonymous said...

Midnight Grabber - we will find you!Don't fall asleep!

KY - Might stand for Kibler Youth, might not.

Anonymous said...

Today I was watching the Olympic ski jumping and it reminded me of an Atwood Open low light - Sheets's attempt to dive the table.

Eddie the Eagle (And I'm not Lion)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Eddie. Sheets's feeble attempt to dive the table was a low light. Almost as low as the chicken sh_t that dumped the old Fart and the table to the floor.

Horshak's Dog

Anonymous said...

Is someone expressing some bottled up anger? Let's see - Old Fart or the Table? Pick Me. Pick me, Pick me. The survey says - Horshak's Dog's Old Fart.

Chicken Salad

Anonymous said...

Now can’t we all just get along? Let me hear something nice about Horshack’s Dog’s Old Fart.

Combya (And don't be Lion)

Anonymous said...

Horshack’s Dog Old Fart,
You are one of the most generous people I know. You let everyone that plays you in golf win. You even allowed your son beat you in five straight holes the last time you made it to the playoffs.

Maybe Lion, maybe not

Anonymous said...

Horshack’s Dog - Old Fart is a survivor:
survived the Shit that killed Elvis,
survived sleeping in the road,
survived more wives than we want to count,
survived a bottle of liquor being shoved up his ars,
and survived an attack from the Real Midnight Grabber.

Year of the Tiger not the Lion

Anonymous said...

As much as I like most of The Committee, and detest one member, (Sheets), I am quite insulted that you would connect me to him. But why don't all of us just stop talking about him. After all, the antithesis of love is not hate, but indifference.
Still Horshak's Dog

Anonymous said...

Dream if you can tell us the meaning of Antithesis you will receive an Honorary Crotchorate
Degree from Atwood U.

Dean Warner (Not to be confused with Dean Wormer)

Anonymous said...

Ahh the love!
There will be a repeat unless NC and I play behind Doc and JF..k. Goddamn they are f...in' slow! NC will be too drunk to get out of the cart and my head will explode thinking about how anybody would need a different club for a 73 yard shot vs a 72 yard shot. Luv u Dave
PS
I'm bringing a surf rod for coon fishing

Anonymous said...

It took me awhile but after reading some of the most recent comments on the Atwood Blog I realized that the Committee did a masterful job of using Baby Sheets in their E-Trade commercial. Oh that’s right Horchak’s Dog Old Fart told us not to pick on him (I mean Sheets) any more. Sorry.

Wining Milkalcoholic

Anonymous said...

Dream antithesis means direct opposite. Example: Graduation/Dream. I'll do anything to help you get a degree. Even "CHEAT"!

Dr. Bill Miller or maybe Dr.Roderick McDavis President of Ohio University

Anonymous said...

After reading 43 comments it's fairly obvious that J.Sheets and Dream are duffer favorites or the antithesis-assholes!

How is it possible that "real" assholes like Kubi and Pease don't get more play?

The Midnight Grabber !

Anonymous said...

Grabber you're right - Kubi and Pease are synonymous with asshole. One mustard the other ketchup (as in bleed out of). But no matter how you spread it - Sheets and Dream are still the biggest Hot Dogs.

Not Waitkus

Breaking News said...

Tiger Woods to Hold news Conference

Tiger Woods is planning to issue a statement Friday, in which the disgraced golfer is expected to apologize for his behavior and discuss his return to the sport.

He is exepected to announce he will return to the sport at The Atwood Open, which is the only Major he has yet to win. The players and the Gallery at Atwood are expected to be sympathetic to Tiger's recent predicament. Mr Woods expects the Sheets family will still suck. He may play under the pseudonym "Ox"

Not a reporter

Anonymous said...

"Not a reporter": what a great comment? Might be the best of all time.

Not the Midnight Grabber or maybe it is>

P.S. In addition, you're right about "Shits" or Sheets.

Anonymous said...

If anyone has an eye for Hot Dogs it's Oscar Waitkus.

Wolfman (as in raised by)

Anonymous said...

71 Days and counting: I can't wait to meet/see Horshak's Dog, "Not a reporter", "Not Waitkus", "Not Smitty" and the rest of these Literary Midgets.
I hope the golf is better than the prose, but being a veteran, I doubt it!

Not Shakespeare

Anonymous said...

Who else saw Smitty in the crowd at last nights Winter Olympics? Can you imagine his disappointment - traveling all the way to Vancouver only to find out that the HALF PIPE Competition was about Snow Boarding?

Not Bogash

Anonymous said...

Speaking of the Olympics: In watching the Men's figure skating the other night I was reminded of the "Euro" look worn by the Gen Xers last year. I sure hope Mario wears the white belt again-it made him look so much taller and skinnier.

Not the Michelin Man.

Anonymous said...

Horshack’s Dog - Old Fart keeps denying he’s Sheets.
So I started thinking about how Dogs and Sheets are alike:
1. The smaller ones tend to be higher strung.
2. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
3. Both fart shamelessly.
4. Both are suspicious of the postman. (Condo)

Brotherly Luv

Anonymous said...

Continuing od the Dog/Sheets thing:

Want someone to pet them
Are shorter than their first love - the fire hydrant
Will lick any woman's feet
Love to go hunting with Ted
Lick their balls

A new contributor

More Breaking News said...

Woods Offers Lame Apology

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—In his first public appearance since a withering sex scandal that began in November, embattled golfer Tiger Woods publicly apologized for his behavior Friday. Speaking from a script in a slow, deliberate voice, Mr. Woods said, "I was unfaithful. I had affairs, I cheated. What I did is not acceptable and I am the only person to blame. I sincerely hope The Committee will forgive me and consider my application to play in this years Atwood Open. I can think of no better venue for my return. I intend to dominate the two Sheets; they should be called the two Shits. In fact, they aren‘t even worth two shits. They have no clutch game; they have lipped out more balls than every skank hooker I have ever hammered. Pure gaggers"

Not A Reporter

Anonymous said...

It was great to hear Tiger kept his participation in this year Atwood Open secretive:
The TV coverage would definitely change the look of the tournament. Imagine the Gen Xers breaking out their feathers and sequins golf outfits. Puss Puss you look marvelous!

Not Gen X Want-to-be Sheets

Anonymous said...

To assist the X Generation with their golf attire the Committee
is coming out with its own Atwood Duffers Clothing Line:
Golf Hat – A Wood Chuck Fedora designed by Kibs.
Golf Rain Hat – Shower Cap fashioned by Coach Bruce.
Golf Shirts – Puke stained Tie Die created by Super Dave
Golf Rain Suits – The Sleeveless Garbage Bag by Kid Dick
Golf Pants – Relaxed Fit Golf Sweat Pants by Lance
Golf Shorts – Daisy Dukes – by Dream
Golf Shoes – Rudy’s Trojanjoys. (Inclement Weather)
Golf Shoes – Toeless Hybirds by Blanche (Warm Weather)

Not a Duffer want-to-be (Sheets)

Anonymous said...

What's all this stuff from "Horshak's Dog" Didn't we eat him one Saturday Night 25 years ago.
Plus, what's all this s...t about Sheets-----he's sure getting a lot of grief for becoming a "C" golfer. It's not his fault------he has issues!

The Midnight Grabber!

Anonymous said...

Atwood Clothing Collection,
Are you going to make any Slim Cut
Sweat Pants?

Rudy

Anonymous said...

During the 40 years of Atwood we have had many masters of disguise.
Match the following characters with the Real Slim Shady:
Quick Draw (The fastest Roman candles in the West)
Log Head
Shingle Face
The Unabomber
The Made-her-dee of the Stars (Some Tuxedos just won’t die)
Hannibal Leckter
The Potato Phone Operator
Dead Pope the XL
The Faceless Dancer
Al Qaeda - Osama Bin Laden’s comical side kick
Mustard Dick
And Rudy separated at birth.

Not Sandy’s Bitch

Anonymous said...

NEWS FLASH!!!
This is Horshak's Dog reporting live from Hudson, Ohio.
I just had an exclusive interview with J.R. Sheets regarding his golfing demise and the verbal abuse he has received on this web sight.
Regarding golf, he quoted MacArthur at Corrigador.
On the verbal abuse,he stated
"Jealousy is a Strong Emotion"

Sperry Top Sider said...

I heard this year Carte Blanche gets a pay back for ruining Kubi's favorite shoes. Watch out Blanche!

Anonymous said...

Horshak's Dog,
And we are jealous of what?

The Lion Tamers, A Golfers,B Golfers,C Golfers and especially the Ds you C

Anonymous said...

I'm starting to notice a certain writng style in some of these emails. A style that had to come from remedial English class at Rocky River??????
Could they be coming from "Oscar" Waitkus or Pat "I throw big expensive parties to show off my daughters" Burke.

Mickey's Monday night waitress!

Breaking Atwood News said...

Reuters - “Jerry” is not a nick name

Several Atwood regulars were recently stunned to learn that Sheets real name is “jerry”. “Holy Crap” stated pope Poon; “I really thought it was just a nick name. I always assumed his real name was ‘That Fuckin Sheets’. That’s usually all you hear people call him. I assumed ‘Jerry” was just another of his old Atwood nick names from back in the seventies or some god forsaken decade. I feel bad; I’ll have to start calling him T.F. from now on. How old is that guy? “

Not T.F. Sheets

Anonymous said...

None of the comments above are from Burke - he was never in remedial English.

Correction - it is Pat "I throw big expensive parties to show off my daughter that you aren't invited to" Burke

Anonymous said...

Pat,
I’d start worrying.
He spotted your daughters.
They’re young and good looking.
ONE FOR THE THUMB!

Maybe Doug Paul

Anonymous said...

Dear Committee,
I was watching Sports Center the other night and heard the USA lost another hurling match.
“No dumb sh_t - it’s CURLING.”
Damn, I started thinking about the Star Studded HURLING Team
The Committee could have sent to the next Olympics Trails.

Maybe Super Dave, Maybe Dream

PS - How about topless Moguls?

Anonymous said...

"One for the thumb"-----now that's cruel. Of course, that's assuming he only lives 5 more years. Think of the possibilities if he lives to the normal "asshole" age?

Maybe not Doug Paul

Anonymous said...

Dear Duffers,
To help "A Golfers" better understand the psyche of their D partners "The Committee" has hired a professional to explain:
Golf Logic:#1
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a Shittier one is yet to come.

Doctor Golf

Anonymous said...

Hearing Canadians sing their national anthem after winning the gold medal in hockey was almost as moving as "Please Release Me" at the Atwood Open.

Rosie, aka JF. It's really me, all you pussies who don't sign your name.

Anonymous said...

Mario walks into the Pro Shop.
He looks around, spots a new putter and walks over to
inspect it.
As he bends over to putt a few, he unexpectedly farts.
Embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
and hopes that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As he turns around, his worst nightmare materializes in the form of a gorgeous sales person standing right behind him.
Cool as a cucumber, she displays all of the qualities one would expect of a golf professional.
She politely greets Mario with, 'Good day, Sir. How may I help you today? "
Uncomfortable, but still hoping that the sales person somehow missed his 'incident', he asks, 'What is the price of this putter?' She answers, "Sir, if you farted just looking at it - you're going to SHIT when I tell you the price.

Probably a Gen Xer

Anonymous said...

Dear “A” Golfers,
Screw the Golf Doctor! We'll tell you true D Player Golf Logic:

A "D" Golfer's ball never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the Universe and should be
cut down.

Maybe Chris, Maybe Lance, Maybe Nick, Maybe John but definitely
from the D Family

Anonymous said...

Feeling left out, I want to help my family be better understood by their "A" Partners:

A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

I'm a C you Ds

Anonymous said...

Only thing that can be said after the comment by Rosie,aka JF,is mazeltov!
Pope Poon, I know you're a good Catholic, but please explain to Dream what "mazeltov" means.

Hoshak's NOT Circumsized Dog

Anonymous said...

It’s true; Waitkus is having an Oscar Party?
Nominees: For the biggest Hot Dog of the 2009 are:
Mustard Dick on a Stick Kubinski
Sheets's Floor Burn Little Weiner
Dream and his unconventional Dog and Ball Washer

Not Ball Park Frank

Anonymous said...

First of all, "D" players have no golf logic. And secondly, Sheets sucks!




Rosie, aka JF, aka lame comment.

Anonymous said...

More D Golfers Logic!
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 8.

Rudy

Anonymous said...

The Zen Master of Ds has spoken.
We’re not worthy. Please master
Rudy; we have so many question?
Do nonchalant putts count the
same as chalant putts?
Can it be a gimme if you're
still away?
Do golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow
one another, particularly
out of Bounds?

D Grass Hopper

Anonymous said...

Grass Duffer,
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. The more expensive the golf ball,the greater its attraction to water. Follow the lessons of D-Wayne Kibler,
he has been using the same
range balls for 39 Years

Rudy,aka ZM

Anonymous said...

When is "The Committee" going to come out with the teams?????? Us "D" players are getting anxious-it's the only tournament we get invited to.


Rudy------ZM (D-Master)

Anonymous said...

I don't think "A" Golfers completely understand the
skill level of "D" Golfers.
So what if we can only hit a
2-acre fairway 10% of the time,
we can hit a 2-inch branch
90% of the time!

Maybe Shakey

Anonymous said...

Zen Master Rudy,
Isn't it true - the
higher a golfer's handicap,
the more qualified he can
deem himself as an instructor?

Maybe Coach Bruce

Anonymous said...

Maybe Coach Bruce,
In all my Infinite Golf Wisdom,
the less skilled the player,
(TF Sheets)
the more likely he is to share
his thoughts about every swing.

Rudy------ZM (D-Master)

Anonymous said...

Advice to the Trained Professionals

Don't buy new clubs until you've
had a chance to throw them.
I'm talking to the "A" Players
not you Sheets.

Maybe Dick F_ck, Maybe Matt F_rg

Anonymous said...

To the "D" players who are getting anxious - it's the the ATWOOD OPEN not the ATWOOD INVITATIONAL. Who in the f_ck would have invited you!

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not Smitty

Anonymous said...

You can shove advice from the Trained Professionals. We listened to our "A" on last years sudden death playoff hole. Blanche kept saying keep you head down,keep your head down.
All keeping your head down means is you'll be looking at a very large divot.

Snack Boy and Dream

Anonymous said...

A Moment of Silence: Today, (March 5) One of the Patron Saints of Atwood passed away. John Belushi only 33 died of a very prevalent Atwood Disease------He was over served. Or the medical term---over-consumption.

"sorry"

The Midnight Grabber

Anonymous said...

Dear Anxious "D" Players,
Relax–it’s called the ATWOOD OPEN
not the ATWOOD INVITATIONAL!
Who would invite you a_ _holes to anything?(Especially Sheets)

Still not Smitty

Anonymous said...

Pope Poon,
With all your wisdom would you help us better understand one of the great mysteries of life?
Why is Belushi dead and Sheets still alive?

Past Atwood Partners

Anonymous said...

Did anyone else notice that two comments were almost identical.
My guess is they were from either Matt K and Yo who we’ve always suspected sharing the same brain
or an elderly gentleman who at times repeats himself? (One to many logs to the Head)

Not sure if I’m Kubi

Not sure if I’m Kubi

Anonymous said...

I’d like to start a new category: Atwood Golf Quotes

Golf is the hardest game in the world to play, and the easiest to cheat at.
Bill Miller

It's the most fun I've ever had with my clothes on.
Dream

I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them.
Ron Lindsey (Marco)

Anonymous said...

Snack Boy and Dream,
The reason Blanche told you to keep your head down was so you couldn’t see him laughing.

Not The Captain

Anonymous said...

Hey Hey,
Don't get on Kubi! His supply of brain cells are finally down to a manageable size.

The 60 Gen

Anonymous said...

The Coaching Brotherhood would like to give a shout-out to DC-Coach of the Basketball Braves. Even though he guided the team to a winning record 12-10, he decided to "coach" the last few minutes of his sectional finals overtime game vs. Avon Lake and LOST. This, despite having already beaten them twice during the regular season when he let his kids play without coaching.

Maybe the TF X

Anonymous said...

Atwood’s 2010 Best Film Oscar Nominations:

The Blind Sided – Ference running over Kubi with his cart.

The Hurt Locker Room – Blanche don’t take a piss!

Insensitive Bustards – The Gen X leaving and not respecting the tradition of the Atwood Championship.

Not Precious – Sheets!

Up (On the Roof) – Oh sh_t it’s too late! Splash!

Up in the Air and Everywhere – Super Dave redecorating the Bathroom.

Maybe Oscar Waitkus

Anonymous said...

Wasn't it Great to see TF Sheets last night????????????



Maybe the Monday Night Gang or Not

Anonymous said...

In reviewing the Oscars - how could AVITAR be nominated over the Kibler Revues?
Kibs has had better special effects and and scarier facial make-up (without using make-up) for 35 years.

DISTRICT 9 The Committee Cabin

Not the Cohen Brothers

Anonymous said...

Yeah, even I was "happy" to see TF Sheets.

Laura the Bar Maid--Around the Corner

And talk about the cheesiest of lines------"I've always had luck with girls named Laura" CMon old timer-----get some new lines

Anonymous said...

Another Atwood Quote:

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible
to play worse.

D- you C Ference

Anonymous said...

To all you "A"s that think you are all that. Just remember a two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

"D" Power!

Anonymous said...

The gift for a 40th is traditionally a ruby, I am fairly certain we can find a hooker somewhere in Canton named Ruby, what's the committees stance on hookers?

-The dream turned into a nightmare

Anonymous said...

The gift for a 40th is traditionally a ruby, I am fairly certain we can find a hooker somewhere in Canton named Ruby, what is the committees stance on hookers?

-The dream turned into a nightmare

Anonymous said...

Sh_t Kubi you've done it again.
But think of the positive! You're now an "A" - all these years you've probably been counting your scores twice. NOT!

Not sure if I’m Boratski

Not sure if I’m Boratski

Anonymous said...

Nightmare,
Why go all the way to Canton
when I can ask the viagra laced old man at the bar for the names of his skanky Zoar Whores?
Or ask the Captain for the number of the woman in the Ruby Red Dress, I'm sure he still has it.

Maybe Blanche

Anonymous said...

Maybe Blanche,
Great idea! Ruby in the Red Dress
is woman enough (XL) to take on everybody - except Sheets.

Maybe the Racoons.

Anonymous said...

How is it possible that with 105 comments in the books, there's no mention of Sharbaugh? No Susan Lucci references, no ohhhhh putts, no zone blocking quotes, NOTHING. Maybe, there is no Sharbaugh. Have anyone ever seen Sharbaugh and the woman in the Red Dress in the same room at the same time? Talk about two racoons fighting over an apple.

Maybe the Captain!

Anonymous said...

Dear Raccoons,
All this time we thought you were fighting over an apple!
If we would have known you were giving her (Ruby in the
Red Dress)30 seconds of Raccoon Fury we would have given you a little privacy.

Not Zorn Mylickadick

Anonymous said...

Dear Duffer Sex Addicts,
Does the Committee have to do everything? One short call to Tiger (our only rookie) and he promised to provide a little head for the weekend for everybody
- except Sheets.

TF X

Anonymous said...

Maybe the Captain,
Being a sensitive lot, we don’t understand the comments about Sharbaugh? He’s come in first, more of his putts are dropping,
River Football is winning and staying out of the same room as the woman in the Red Dress showed good common sense. But if he is the one responsible for beginning
Sheets to Atwood – BLACK BALL HIS ASS!

The Vatican at Atwood Cardinals

Anonymous said...

If you Atwood Cardinals had read the Cleveland Diocese Newspaper, you would know that Sheets went through RCIA several years ago, and should not be attacked by you relgious zealots. Atwood is not about an eye for an eye, but about turning the other cheek......so you can kiss both sides of his ass!

Father Horshak,St.Mary's of Hudson

Anonymous said...

Kibler Youth get out your pens and paper. Old Timer Sheet’s is going to share his best pick-up lines:

TF Sheets- Excuse me,want to dance?
Woman - No.
TF Sheets - Maybe you didn't hear me ... I said you look really fat in those pants!

TF Sheets - Do you like to dance?
Woman - Yes !
TF Sheets - Well then, could you go dance so I can talk to your friend?

Mind if I stand here until it's safe where I farted.

Nice Shoes. Wanna fuck?

And his old stand by - Be unique and different, say yes.

The LION DEN is back

Anonymous said...

Cardinals,
To set the record straight - Jerry (TF to most of you)and I came to Atwood in the “SAME” year. They called us SHIT and SHINENOLA.
Guess which one was SHIT?
I rest my case.

Maybe Shinenola

Anonymous said...

Reading the sports page today: Regina was thrown out of the State Girls Basketball Tournament for using an ineligible player---I believe Hathaway Brown suffered the same fate in soccer. So, obviously these private schools need to stop recruiting so many athletes and start recruiting more administrators. Once again, that brings me back to TF Sheets----He has admin experience and everyone knows how he gets along with women?

Anonymous said...

The Lickety Splits want to know: (1) What is Big on Big White? (2) Who is the Doctor without Borders? and what the hell are those contraptions in his Van. (3) And what "hood" from Parma are they from?

Lickety Splits or (Kubi's women)

Breaking News III said...

Ex-Congressman Describes Tickle Fights with Aides (The midnight Grabber??)
By Not Clark Kent
Former Representative Eric J. Massa of N Y, who resigned from Congress amid allegations of sexual misconduct, vehemently denied any wrongdoing during an appearance on Tuesday, even as he described having tickle fights with staff members in an Atwood cabin they shared.
But he insisted that that was as far as it went. “No, no, no!” he said when asked during an interview. “I did nothing sexual.” “This sort of thing goes on at The Atwood Open every year. This year is Atwood #40; I’ll bet it gets really balls out sassy.” “ I hope they invite me. I can’t wait to cuddle The Dream, Kubi and Kibbler”
Mr. Massa made the comments as new reports surfaced that he may in fact be the dreaded and dangerous serial groper know as “The midnight Grabber”.
The House ethics committee was investigating allegations, that he groped several male golfers at a previous Atwood Outing. “It’s a Golf outing; what’s the big deal, everybody is grabbing balls, washing balls , polishing shafts, slapping their putter, C’mon. Once, I even saw Dream and his fuzzy mangina slumped in the urinal at the Lodge. Good times”
In the interview, Mr. Massa acknowledged exercising poor judgment in his interactions with his staff on another occasion. He recalled tickling an aide during a birthday party in a town house he shared with five of his staff members. “Yeah, I did. Not only did I grope him. I tickled him until he couldn’t breathe, and then four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday. It was kill the old guy. You can take anything out of context. C’mon at Atwood, I’ve seen T.F. Sheets pass out and take it from 6 or 7 guys piling on and still have the sphincter tone to hold a bottle. That’s tight.”
Democratic leaders have denied Mr. Massa’s claims. The Lickety Splits could not be reached for comment.
The Committee has sent him a special Atwood 40 Invitation to be “hand delivered” by The Dream.
Not Clark Kent

Forrest Gump said...

DO we really want TF Sheets recruiting or counseling young women in a high school setting? Oh, wait, nevermind;we have seen that movie before.

Signed,
Not a clumsy and poorly disguised bad attempt at a funny name to hide the fact I am really TF Sheets

Anonymous said...

NEWS FLASH! One of Atwoods one and down alumni - Frank Romano (Head Wrestling Coach at Notre Dame College) recently won the 2010 NAIA National Wrestling Tournament. While being interviewed by the National Press gave props to the Atwood Committee for the invaluable lessons he learned at the Atwood Take Down Tournament. Quoting Coach Romano: “They taught me toughness. Get hurt there and you’d lie on the hard wooden for days. The only nourishment was spilt beer and crushed cheetoss. They taught me self discipline. If you had to piss they stood you up then dropped you. You learned bodily function control, which is a huge edge for a Wrestler!
I owe everything to the Committee and full contact golf!”

The Hooded Squatter

Anonymous said...

TO THE HOODED SQUATTER
Poor,poor memory. It was Bobby Mason, not Frank Romano. If Frank did say these things during his interview, it is not surprising. He is the ONLY golfer not invited back for his excessive cheating.(At golf).

Not the Atwood Historian

Anonymous said...

I can't wait for Selection Monday----The Women's NCAA Basketball tournament----Everyone knows I know how to pick a winning woman.


1/16- That's what my next wife gets.

TF Sheets

Anonymous said...

Not the Atwood Pistorian,
How can you tell wrestlers apart?
Mason, Romano, Kibler, Beckeny, Coup and the other white Sheets. All deranged non-athletes
that look emaciated with darker circles under their eyes
and bumps and bruises all over their foreheads.
Wait a minute, I think I described Kubi on Saturday morning.

The Wrestling Bear

Anonymous said...

Can't we all just play(write) nice?
I've lived my life on being nice to my fellow man. No knocking over their drinks, no wearing other peoples clothes, no poking them in their foreheads.

Not Kubi
Not Kubi
Not Kubi (in case I forgot to sign my name)

Anonymous said...

Another Memorable D Golfer Comment:

The X Factor had lost his ball and got a little annoyed when his "A" said "Why the hell didn't you watch where it went?"
"Well, said Factor, "it doesn't usually go anywhere, so when I hit the ball, it sort of caught me by surprise!"

The D Pistorian

Anonymous said...

Growing up with Sheets we've seen and heard many things.
Example Junior High Health:
Teacher: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
Jerry: He says goodbye to his boyhood, and looks forward to his adultery.

Not Lion

Anonymous said...

Gen Xers,
Since you’ve shown the same interest in the Atwood Web Site Blog as the Atwood Championship the Committee thought it would try Texting to communicate.
Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.
It got Gen X Want-To-Be Sheets' attention!

TF X

Anonymous said...

TF,
We feel your pain old timer, so we thought we'd suggest a new pick-up line:
"I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass."

A member of the Kibler UT

Anonymous said...

First Draft of Tiger's Speech with assistance from the Committee:

"To my wife, I'm sorry. I fucked up but I'm not changing, so you'll either need to put up with this shit or I'll stroke you the check I agreed to in the pre-nup .... sorry.

To my fans, get over it. Where I stick my dick is none of your business. If you care ..... sorry. I don't need any of you in order to make 10 times in one year what you'll make in a career. I promise to continue to hit 4 irons from 210yards to within 10' of the pin and drop putts that you couldn't read
in a million years. If that's not good enough for you, go watch fucken tennis.

To the media. You cocksuckers are the only ones more two-faced than I am. Kissing my ass for all those years and then ripping me every chance you've had since Thanksgiving. Fuck ya'll. I'm glad I don't have to take the time
tosit and answer the same bullshit questions over and over and over again.

To the other golfers. Kiss my ass! You motherfuckers come out ripping me whenI've put more fucking money in your pockets than you could count. You think anyone's been paying to see Jesper-fucking-Parnevik ? Give me a fucking
break. I'm almost tempted to give up golf just to punish you guys, but I think it's going to be more fun to practice for the next few weeks and get back to making you all my bitches.

That's all I got today ..... see ya at Atwood ! Remember a little head for everybody except Sheets

Your Hero Tiger

Anonymous said...

St. Paddys Day and the blog is kind of quiet: I don't understand it as I've seen a lot of green faces at Atwood---usually on Saturday morning.


Not the Captain

Anonymous said...

Duffers,
Reading the Atwood blog has given me a lot of laughs - especially TF Sheets’ rebuttles. Can’t you visualize him sitting in front of his computer screaming at the monitor? Just makes me chuckle. Thanks for the grins, looking forward to seeing all of you at the Open – except Sheets.

Maybe the Reaper

Anonymous said...

Tiger,
We’ve heard that you’re renigging on your promise to start your
2010 comeback at the Atwood Open. As far as we are concerned we’re glad that you now have to wack-off like the rest of us!

Super David

Anonymous said...

While watching the NCAA Tourney and it stuck me – if Kentucky wins - we are going to have to watch the Captain and Ruby in the Red Dress do the Jon Wall Dance all weekend long. Is it to late for DC Collins to coach the Wildcats?

Maybe Lance